I’ve just started running. Well it’s more like a pathetic jog mixed with walking. I’m doing it because my friends are runners and come summer, I’m left out when they all go out for their 5k’s and weird mud and paint runs… whatever those are. Plus I haven’t paid my gym membership.
I don’t understand how people find running enjoyable because the entire time, crazy thoughts hinder my performance.
Here are the top 69 things you think while running:
1. I’m feeling good, I bet I can run a mile non stop
2. I should have had more coffee
3. When is this lactic acid supposed to be released? Is that what it’s called?
4. I have a frontal wedgie
5. Is it giving me a camel toe?
6. Is everyone looking at my camel toe?
7. Does it look as bad as it feels?
8. I need to just pick it out
9. Why is everyone outside today, I’ll never be able to pick it out
10. Whatever no one is looking
11. Everyone sees it, just act like I am so in the zone I don’t even notice
12. I have left over cake
13. I’m not even gunna eat it, I’m healthy now
14. I’ll just run like 25 extra minutes and I can have a little cake
15. I’ll just have a chocolate protein shake instead
16. No carbs for dinner and I’ll have a little cake after
17. With just a glass of red wine
18. French girls drink red wine with everything and they stay skinny
19. Maybe I shouldn’t of had coffee beforehand
20. You shouldn’t give up what you want to eat just to be skinny
21. I should make a few sacrifices at least to look good this summer
22. I’ll make sacrifices when I’m dead
23. I’m gunna have coffee shits soon
24. It’ll take me 15 minutes to get home, will I make it
25. I should be fine, but are there woods nearby in case?
26. What do runners do when they have to crap?
27. I’ve heard some will just go in their pants and keep going
28. Is that gunna be me today?!
29. Could I just crap my pants and act like nothing happened?
30. How does that girl look so perfect?
31. Is my form as good as hers?
32. Why is she so fast? She’s probably been running for years
33. It’s ok, I’ve just started. I’ll be that fast soon
34. Why isn’t her face red and sweaty?
35. Her legs looks like a galloping horse
36. Are my feet even leaving the ground?
37. Do I even look like I’m running?!
38. I don’t have to crap anymore
39. Don’t think about it, it’ll come back
40. How are people running and having a conversation?
41. Is there a secret to keeping this headphones in my ears?
42. I’m so sweaty, the headphones are just sliding right out
43. I can’t just take them out I need music
44. That old lady just passed me
45. She’s retired and just runs all day that’s why she’s so good
46. Dudes coming. ..pick it up a little
47. I wonder if they think I’m super athletic looking
48. Don’t say hi, I have headphones in, it’ll sound like I’m screaming
49. Can they see my stomach jiggle?
50. Why does the stomach jiggle hurt..I literally feel it bouncing
51. I am doing a pretty good job. I think I’ll be able to run a half marathon soon
52. I bet I’ve been running for like 45 minutes
53. What? It’s only been 10 minutes
54. It felt so much longer
55. It’s okay, you’ve just started it’s better than sitting at home watching House of Cards
56. Remember when Claire Underwood got yelled at by the crazy lady for running through the cemetery?
57. I’d never run through a cemetery. Bad news stories always start with, “she thought she’d take a shortcut through the cemetery”
58. As soon as I get home, I’ll watch just one episode of House of Cards…while eating that cake with some wine
59. I’ll just stay in tonight and watch the rest of season one. I gotta catch up
60. It’s better than spending all my money at the bar
61. My lungs hurt. They are resisting air. What if I pass out?!
62. It’ll be pretty embarrassing
63. A million firefighters and cops would show up and it would make a huge scene
64. Everyone would instagram pictures of me laying here
65. Watch, I’m gunna pass out right in front of a cute guy
66. He’ll have to save me. Maybe he’ll be my boyfriend. That would be a fun story to tell
65. It would also be a pretty pathetic story. “Yea, I was running for like 3 minutes and I passed out and he had to give mouth to mouth to my sweaty face”
66. Am I gunna lose my butt if I keep all this running up?
67. I’ll just have to do squats or something and that dirty dog exercise
68. I’m gunna look so frickin hot this summer. But I still wanna eat a whole pizza. NOW.
69. Oh no, the shit sweats