It started off like every other normal Tuesday morning. I opened one lazy eye and sure enough, there it was, the sun beating down on me. I rolled over a few times in the dirt and pulled my hind legs up to grab a drink of water from my dish. My owner keeps me locked up in the backyard because I’m “dangerous”. Please. She should be locked up for tying me to this 800-pound-tow. Anyway, I was just about to take a nice leak against my favorite Maple tree when I heard mumblings. I quickly became alert to access the situation. I’m sick of those crappy neighborhood kids throwing rocks at me. This time I’m going to take a huge bite out of one of their asses if they get too close. But, wait… That’s not stupid kids. Standing in the corner of the yard was a completely naked human man. He was shouting and spinning around. I chose not to attack because I was mesmerized by his rantings. I don’t get a lot of excitement chained up in this backyard, so in an odd way, I appreciated the attention. He told me that he was sent by some group named ISIS. I don’t know much, but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen the woman that ties me to the tree watch CNN and there’s a lot about these ISIS people.
You’ll never believe what happened next. I became bored and turned around to see if the tattoo’ed faced-lady had brought out any left over scraps from last night’s dinner… and then that crazy naked dude took me from behind. Oh the irony of the term doggy style! I remained calm because what was I supposed to do? Plus, he promised me he was giving me Ebola. I don’t actually know what Ebola is, but he seemed pretty excited about it. Like I said earlier, it gets boring around here chained up in the backyard- I might as well see what was going to happen.
Then the lady came outside and started screaming for him to get off me. First she threw a candle at him. She almost cracked me in the head. Then I knew she was pissed because she went to grab her gun and fired into the ground. For a minute I wasn’t sure if she was ISIS. Naked dude didn’t stop though. He told her about the “Ebola” and screamed at her that ISIS had sent him there. Now I’m confused, but strangely no one seems concerned that I have a strange naked man humping me in the grass. I continued to remain calm because, you know, I’M CHAINED TO THIS DAMN THING. Finally the cops show up and the naked man takes off running. He didn’t even leave me his number. No goodbye. Nothing. I feel like a sorority girl the day after homecoming.
I wonder when I’m getting this Ebola thing he promised I was getting…
*From the point of view of a violated Waterbury Pit Bull*
Oh, yes- This all really happened.