Well gang, we’re knuckle-deep into it now, aren’t we?
This whole hideously named #deflategate (seriously, we can’t do better? Wait, never mind. I know we can’t, because this country is full of idiots) isn’t going away between now and kickoff in Glendale, Arizona for Super Bowl 49 between the New England Patriots and Seattle Seahawks.
No matter who’s responsible for the 11 out of 12 under inflated footballs that were used in the AFC Championship 45-to-7 curb-stomping of the Indianapolis Colts last Sunday, those who despise the Patriots and their head coach Bill Belichick either due to their seemingly never ending success or past transgressions (oh noes! Not Spygate!) will find them guilty no matter what the outcome.
If you’re a fellow Patriots fan, this might bother you.
You might want to say something foolish like “You’re disappointed in the team” or “This taints the Super Bowl”.
If that’s you, I’m telling you (no, BEGGING you) to please stop it, and instead, EMBRACE THE HATE.
That’s right, embrace the hate and horribly unfunny (and infinitely overused) jokes you’ll see and hear from the likes of jealous Jets fans, bitter losers on social media, and fans of lesser franchises like the Cincinnati Bengals.
Spit in the face of sanctimonious dorks in both the media and Twitterspehere alike, who like to sit atop their high horses and wag their finger at you about how horrible it is to cheat, and “what kind of example it sets for the children”.
NOT THE CHILDREN!
They can all die in a fire.
Because anyone who’d like to tear you down for being a Patriots fan and keep referring to Bill Belichick as the tired (and again, unfunny) “Belicheat” is a duplicitous hypocrite.
That’s because here in America, we’re a nation of scumbags and liars.
These same holier-than-thou types who’d like to see the Patriots get wiped out by Seattle because they’re “shady” and “cheats”? They’re the same moms who are “just trying to make it through the day, sweetie” while hopped up on Adderall and Vicodin and taking three martini lunches. They’re the guy in your office who needs Viagra or Cialis to get it up so they can screw their mistresses behind their wife’s back.
We’re a nation of tax cheats. Of Wall Street fuckery. We start wars for no reason other than oil and money and simply because we can.
And yet here’s so many of these same people looking to a game (or really, all sports) being played by big dumb jocks and coached by sleepless sociopaths as a moral barometer.
Well to all of those people who do all that stuff in the shadows, yet try to rip into this football team?
Give me your cheating and dirty edge, and give me my beloved New England Patriots.
Because that’s MY America, and that’s MY devious football team.