There are two kinds of people in this world: People who shop on Black Friday and people who don’t. Macy’s is kicking things off extra early this year and are opening their doors for Black Friday deals at 6pm Thanksgiving night. 6?! Come on, Macy’s. Please calm down.

If you’re like me, you’d rather just forget about holiday shopping until December 23rd, stay in, enjoy your food coma Thanksgiving night and check out Yes, that’s a real website. While people being trampled to death at Walmart is sad and all, there’s some truly insane and hilarious Black Friday disaster stories on this site.

Here’s some of the craziest headlines:

Black Friday: Virginia Man Stabbed In Walmart Parking Lot Over Space

Two guys were arguing over a parking space. One threatened with a gun. The other slashed his arm down to the bone.


Off-duty police pepper spray North Carolina shoppers

An off-duty police officer who was hired by a store as extra security sprayed just “a puff” of pepper spray into the crowd after a man fell into a display. Drunk? Pushed? About to be trampled? The police officer didn’t care and sprayed one little puff that affected at least 20 people and kids. Don’t bring your kids to Black Friday guys.


Shopper Pepper Sprayed, Arrested in Argument Over TV at New Jersey Walmart

A 29-year-old shopper was pepper sprayed and arrested in a New Jersey Walmart after arguing with a store manager about a TV and attacking an officer. Police were already busy at the store because a woman spit on another person’s child. Again, don’t bring your kids to Black Friday guys.


Black Friday Shoppers Hit By Suspected Drunk Driver In Walmart Parking Lot

Another culprit of holiday shitshows? Drunk people. A couple heading into Walmart was hit by a 71-year-old man who may have been drunk. It’s Thanksgiving, we all know you’re drunk Grandpa. The woman was then trapped under the car and the man was thrown onto the roof.


Two People Shot at Tallahassee Walmart Over Parking Space

Another fight over a parking space at Walmart. Two people were shot in Florida and made their way to the store’s outdoor garden center where they were found. Gotta get to that deal on flowers in November.

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