Bah Humbug and a Card in the Garbage Can
This is my confession, Usher style, but without all the air humping:
I throw away your Christmas cards.
I tear into the gold-trimmed red envelope with the ornament stamp, suppress an eye roll at the photo of your kids posing in matching turtlenecks in front of a fireplace that’s not yours, but a cardboard prop at a mall photo studio, and then I put it directly into the garbage. I don’t even bring it into the house. My mail slot is right next to the trashcan in the garage, and I toss that sucker right on in.
And every year I wonder: Why? Why did you spend the money to take this photo? Why did you pay to have it printed out on glossy paper? Did you have to use “Happy Paw-lidays and a Happy Mew Year!” as the message on the photo of your cats wearing reindeer antlers? Do you not realize that an earnest holiday photo of cats wearing reindeer antlers that’s not meant to be funny just makes us sad for you? How did you get my address? Have I ever sent YOU a holiday card? What am I supposed to do with this? Put it on my mantle? What if I didn’t have a mantle? Then what?
These questions swirl round and round my brain at a million miles per second, and then I have to go have a drink and lie down. Truth be told I was going to go have a drink and lie down anyway, but now I really NEED to.
ALSO If your holiday card is a video of your whitey ass and your whitey spouse and your whitey children appropriating a late 90s R&B song in order to do some whitey rapping about holiday attire, and then you post it on the Internet in a thinly-veiled attempt to make it go ‘viral’ because that is the most culturally relevant thing you will ever do in your sad suburban life, then you are the worst. I don’t care that you saved paper, or that I don’t have to go through the trouble of opening an envelope and feign interest in the domesticated human or animal creatures that dress, behave, and eat at your will. I am giving you a box of self-awareness for Christmas. Jerks.
JERKS, all of you. Bah humbug, et cetera.
photo: (c) Hemera/Thinkstock