Iliza Shelsinger is one of the funniest comics around right now. If you are not familiar, it’s definitely worth getting lost in her YouTube videos for a few hours.
Today Iliza was clearly having a bad day at the airport. Most of us can relate to the frustration of dealing with the TSA and all gross people. It can be straight up infuriating.
Iliza decided to take to her Instagram and go on a epic rant to take out all her frustration. It is amazing.
FUUUUUCK YOU I did pre check.You have my personal info/drivers license and SS# and this fucking laminated middle school hall pass is the your official US government way of letting me through security? And then when I get there you tell me that because I have buckles on my boots and a long haired dachshund that somehow the dog negates the pre check and I now have to take my boots off? Why? What is the point of pre check? So now I have to go through so TSA can swab my hands and when I get annoyed and ask “what is the point of pre check if I have to go through all this? good work. I’m totally the face of terrorism” and the fucking TSA agent gets on his bleeding heart self internet educated high horse and says to me “what is the face of terrorism?” As If this conversation hasn’t been had in every college in every ethics/political Science class from here to fucking mars, conversations he would have been made privy to had he not spent his collegiate years fucking hanging out at his uncle’s custom chopper’s garage or whatever – dude asks that question like soooo proud of himself, like he just spiked the ball in the conversational end zone. I say “I don’t know it sure as hell isn’t a blonde girl with a long haired dachshund” and he mouth garbages at me “Richard Reid was blonde at one point” and I go “who?” (To be continued)
And he goes “get the facts straight” How about this, you fucking walking FourLoko can, how about you don’t fucking talk at all and just concentrate on your bullshit pantomiming security job and get back to patting down 80 year olds and inspecting my 3oz of Cetaphil. I looked up Richard Reid and while racial profiling is wrong. Homeboy looks like a terrorist. You can freak out at that all you want but the track record of dudes with his bone structure vs girls who look like me blowing shit up kind of speaks for itself. Here’s a thought, TSA, why do don’t you think of ways to prevent terrorist instead of sitting around on the offense, getting fatter while we wait for the second coming of Osama Bin Laden bc I promise you this, if they come after us again, they’re not going back to the same play book. TSA is an example of what happens when stupid people stop fucking and get jobs. What is the prerequisite for this job? Being carbon based, driving a shit Toyota and owning a copy of Rich Dad Poor Dad covered in spilled Mountain Dew Code Red and bong water? Don’t fucking give me attitude you walking public school failure statistic, you’re not a cop. You’re too fat. What would you do if you found a terrorist? Make him take off his shoes? Closest you ever came to being a cop was your stint in juvi which kept your out of whatever fucking auto maintenance school you’d your sights set on. Do me a favor and find another way to find a way to pretend to work that doesn’t involve interacting with me. I appreciate you need to earn a living bc those ICP tickets ain’t gonna buy themselves. Children and the elderly don’t have to take off their shoes. Who the fuck do you think is more likely to have C4 strapped to them?Some 70 year old who has seen some shit, a child who has no control what their lunatic parent puts in their diaper or the girl in Improv shirt with TSA pre check carrying a lap dog. Pat yourself on the back, right on your government issued urinal cake blue uniform.
The best part about all of this besides the sheer hilarity of it all is that Iliza is traveling on her way to Connecticut to play Foxwoods this week!