The history of Connecticut Man is a rich one. It seems every week there’s a new chapter in these annals of dumb criminals, bad family members, and general buffoons. But today we find a Connecticut Man who might just take the cake.

Yes, this Connecticut Man is so astonishing that he might immediately be anointed King of Connecticut Men. After he deals with the charges against him, of course.

Meet Nicholas Bruner. According to the CT Post, Bruner is a 31-year-old man from Stratford who police claim broke into an animal hospital looking for drugs. And it’s not hard to see why police believe that. After all, police responded to an alarm at the animal hospital, found a broken window with blood on the window frame, and saw a trail of blood on the floor of the animal hospital.

“Open and shut case!” you might say. “Simply test Bruner’s DNA and match it to the DNA of the blood at the crime scene, and you’ll know if you’ve got your man.”

Slow down, CSI. Bruner doesn’t want to make it that hard for the police. No, when he commits a crime, he likes to keep it simple. None of that fancy, confangled science stuff. He’d rather just leave his keys and cell phone behind at the scene of the crime so police can track him down that way.

And yes, that’s exactly what they did. They tracked the phone back to Bruner and, despite his claims that he had lost them and couldn’t remember where, police charged him with third-degree burglary and second-degree criminal mischief.

Some advice for our old pal Nick here: First, maybe get some help and kick that drug habit. Second, definitely don’t try and rob places to get your fix – you’re not good at it. And finally, learn to do what all of us do before we leave any place: Check your pockets and make sure you’ve got the stuff you came with.

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