This weekend is going to be HUGE for UCONN. So much celebrating, so much drinking. They get their very own weekend declared by the governor, so why not have their very own beer brewed just for them, like Sacred Heart University has. And when has Sacred Heart made it to the Final Four?? Do they even play sports?
Two Roads Brewing Company in Stratford created a craft beer exclusively for Connecticut’s Sacred Heart University to celebrate the school’s 50th anniversary last year and to raise money for scholarships. The Abbey Blonde ale is labeled Via Cordis, which means “way of the heart” in Latin. Those kids drink a lot, they should have called the beer Via Iecur—which I think translates to “way of the liver”.
What if other colleges in Connecticut got their own beer…?
This beer would be sold in a Final Four pack, for now. When you purchase the beer, they throw in their own brand of funnels, beer pong tables, Solo cups and a random basketball. If you are seen this weekend drinking anything but UCONN beer, you will be kicked out of the state, but not before paying an enormous exiting fee. Roofies sold separately.
Yale University Beer
First, it wouldn’t be called beer. They would refer to it as a Reserve. Or a Vintage. They’d extract DNA from rich dead people somehow like Rockefeller, Vanderbilt, and Carnegie to be infused during the process. It would be placed in oak barrels coated in diamonds and sent to space aboard the Virgin Galactic to be aged in orbit among the stars. Only a limited amount would be brewed, and it can only be purchased if a member of Skull and Bones referred you. You can only drink it in the presence of Yale Alumni. You must never speak of it. A review will be written about it in the Yale Daily News, and you won’t be able to understand one word of it.
Quinnipiac University Beer
Their beer would be created in honor of their awesome hockey team. A nipple would be placed on top of the bottle so the brew can be easily sipped through the space where a tooth once was, and no danger would be posed to any other teeth. It would contain the highest alcohol content possible to numb the pain from falling into manholes in the streets of Hamden, being hit by chairs, and chemical spills.
University of Bridgeport Beer
This beer would only be sold as 40’s and it comes with a paper bag attached to it.
Southern CT State University Beer
Like the Yale vintage, this beer is also from New Haven, but so sooo different. You can find it anywhere. It’s super cheap. If you consume it at a bar downtown in the vicinity of a Yalie, you will get harshly judged. It’s one step up from the Gateway Community College beer.
Gateway Community College Beer
It’s brewed with the tears of ashamed parents. And students’ perspiration collected during test taking.
Fairfield University Beer
This beer is like a craft brew that’s trying really hard to hide the fact it’s made by Budweiser. It wants to be pretentious and high quality. It’s almost there, but not quite.