This weekend’s story about what happened at the Quassy Amusement Park in Middlebury was very disturbing. Not because you had mass overdoses or anything. I mean, that’s totally one of those reap what you sow kind of deals, y’know?
No, it was disturbing because I’ve totally never heard of this wacky new drug “2CP”, and I pride myself on keeping up on all things related to pop culture and what the new “thing” (whatever it happens to be) is.
That might not sound like appropriate behavior for a nearly 40 year old man to you, but I’m not looking for your approval or acceptance. I’m just looking to have the best possible time, at all times, before I’m worm food.
And considering that the occasional use of recreational drugs is part of those good times (in moderation, mind you) I figure the least I can do for the younger, dumber generation is rank said recreational drugs so that maybe they’ll know what they’re getting into before trying something they’ve never heard of, or know nothing about.
Plus, I love lists. They’re so neat, and tidy and thorough. They really do wonders for the O.C.D. in me.
So without further ado!
Pros: One of the more underrated scenes in movie history is in “Half Baked” when Jon Stewart’s “enhancement smoker” character keeps yammering on about how much better everything is….“ON WEED” That’s because it’s 100% accurate. Eating a giant meal after smoking? Unbelievable. Spending holidays with your family all day? Instantly bearable. Sex? The best. Using it while playing video games or before going to the movies, or reading an engrossing book? All made infinitely better by smoking up. Smoking up before working out? Makes you forget about how terrible working out really is.
Cons: Now it’s crazy expensive. All of the stupid names different strains have now (“Alaska Thunder Fuck”- really?) still looked at as a class 1 substance, which is a dumb relic from the Nixon administration, can give you the munchies- which can turn you into a fat pig, might make terrible music like Phish seem actually good.
Pros: Lowers inhibitions, makes talking to strangers bearable, makes your friends bearable, makes your family bearable, Bourbon, loved by most and available pretty much anywhere, makes yelling acceptable, makes football the most fun sport in America, can be snuck at work with little to no detection.
Cons: Can turn people into assholes, can make ugly people seem attractive, can make you bloated and fat, the spins, makes people think that Jimmy Buffett is a good musician.
3) Psilocybin Mushrooms
Pros: Mind expanding, if done with close friends can be an extremely bonding experience, will make you laugh so hard you might end up popping blood vessels in your eyes or with stomach cramps, done on a crisp fall day in New England in the woods while gawking at the foliage is breathtakingly beautiful, all natural.
Cons: Taste literally like shit, can be a bit of a roller coaster ride both physically and emotionally, should not be done by people with depression, difficult to procure, the stigma, not really worth doing after you’re like 27 years old.
Pros: Keeps the party going, loosens up the atmosphere, raises self-confidence if only for a while, as Rick James said: “It’s a helluva drug”.
Cons: Brutal come down, still crazy expensive, bad stigma, addictive, possibly lethal, makes people who aren’t interesting seem interesting, teeth grinding, do you even know what you’re buying half of the time? And as Rick James said: “It’s a helluva drug”.
5) Ecstasy (or as idiot kids call it now: “Molly”. It’s the same thing, assholes. It’s all MDMA)
Pros: Unbelievable for dance music. There’s a reason that it’s big at raves & EDM shows people, if done with a partner can really help bring the both of you closer, the sex on it is pretty much Earth shattering, can be a helluva lot of fun if done with the right people.
Cons: Makes you want to keep dancing, makes people who aren’t all that interesting seem interesting, destroys your seretonin levels and will likely make you depressed for a few days afterwards, may or may not eat your brain if you keep doing it.
140) “Whip Hits”/ Laughing Gas
Pros: Crazy fun and will make you laugh like you’ve never laughed before, that immediate “WUB WUB WUB WUB” sound that reverberates in your head after taking that hit off of the balloon, breaks up the monotony of working in a kitchen every so often.
Cons: Unlikely you’ll ever find the medical grade stuff on the streets again, you can FEEL it making you dumber and killing brain cells, loved by filthy hippies, usually only found at Phish shows.
Pros: Not many, in my opinion. I mean, Percocets certainly numb you up pretty good and give you some energy, but…
Cons: Pills are pretty gross. You’re helping these big scumbag companies get richer by the day. Looked at as un-harmful by most because the whole nation’s been over-prescribed even though they’re like the worst things for you, crazy expensive, and the drug of choice of Fat Moms all over America.
Pros: Gave us Breaking Bad, which, depending on how the last episode goes next week, might end up usurping “The Wire” as my favorite television show ever.
Cons: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. loved by White trash, everything about it.
900 Trillion) Heroin
Pros: Gave us Jazz, great rock n’ roll, The best episode of VH1′s Behind the Music “I flatlined, duuuude.”, helped destroy West Baltimore which in turn gave us The Wire, The Basketball Diaries, kind of sneaky intriguing and I’d totally do it if I live to be like 89 and get told I have a week to live.
Cons: Everything. Doing it is akin to saying to the world “I hate myself and want to die”, friendship ruiner, life ruiner, family destroyer, GAH NEEDLES!
Feel free to agree or disagree with the list, and add more in the comments section below.
photo credit: (c) iStock/Thinkstock