As the resident curmudgeon here on, it probably won’t come as much of a surprise when I tell you that I’m not all that hot on St. Patrick’s Day revelry.

I mean, considering my upbringing in New England (specifically, the Boston area) can you blame me?  From the time I started drinking recreationally around age 16, up until right now, all I’ve ever seen at any and all St. Pat’s festivals and parties are Guinness and Jameson fueled yelling, puking, and fighting.  Not to mention a sea of mostly doughy, pasty white people covered in green. A color that looks good on exactly nobody.


Look, if I’m coming off as a bit of an uppity douche for not looking at this kind of partying as a good time, so be it. It’s just that St. Patty’s day, and all of the shit surrounding it have always reminded me a lot of New Year’s Eve.  In other words, amateur night at it’s absolute worst, where people are getting way, WAY too wasted for no reason other than they feel like they’re SUPPOSED TO.


Nope, not for me. I’ll be spending this weekend getting lit up on my couch and watching Netflix, thankyouverymuch.


Regardless of my anti-social, hermit-like ways, I’m sure YOU’LL be venturing out to get hammered at some shitty and over crowded bar or festival this weekend, so as a service (and warning) to you I present:


The Five People you’ll encounter this St. Patty’s Day Weekend In Connecticut


1) The Out of His Mind Hammered By 4pm Guy


He’ll be groping the ladies of South Norwalk at every opportunity, finishing each Guinness with a shot of Jameson, and found in the men’s room of O’Neill’s or trying to boot n’ rally numerous times between 4 and 5pm. He will be a complete liability by 7pm, and arrested shortly thereafter.


2) The A Little TOO Into It Guy


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Y’know, for the most part, I’m all for dressing up like a complete asshole for a night of going out and getting nuts. But that’s why we have Halloween. The big hats? The Leprechaun look? The fake Ginger Beards? All terrible. As I mentioned, green looks good on exactly no one, so my suggestion is to just keep it to a green shirt and a Celtics hat while drunkenly roaming the streets of New Haven this year. That’ll work just fine, you mooks.


3) The Fed Up Cop




The fine police officers working St. Pat’s details all over Connecticut this weekend will have their already thin patience tested numerous times by countless idiots throughout the day. At some point, one of them ALWAYS ends up losing their shit (and for the most part, rightfully so) on some drunk idiot that needs to be made an example of. Do your best to make sure it’s not you. Getting maced, beaten, a thrown in a Hartford jail cell is no way to end your day of power drinking, people.


4) Slobs


Or as I like to call them, “Doughy 6’s”. Take gross girls who think they’re hotter than they actually are, fill ’em with cheap beer and corned beef & cabbage, dress ’em in green and jeans that are a little TOO tight, and you’re left with loud, muffin topped, hammered disasters like you see above. Fellas, no matter how drunk you are. No matter how horny. DON’T take one of these slobs home for the sake of easy sex. You’ll respect yourself so much more in the morning, believe me.


5) The Fighter 


There isn’t a St. Patty’s day event that’s happening anywhere in the country, let alone Connecticut, this weekend that won’t end in a fight. You mix alcohol and the Irish (a people that might be a little TOO proud to begin with) and it’s a powder-keg just waiting to explode. Just make sure that it’s not YOU who’s on the receiving end of any of the fists.


Happy St. Patty’s Day, you drunks. Be safe and have fun.


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