So, here’s a food roundup that made me draw back in disgust. Now, I love talking about food as much as I love eating food. Normally in any national roundup, Connecticut seems to fare reasonably well.
Not to brag but we did invent the pizza and the hamburger. The world owes us for creating some of the most profitable foods known to mankind. McDonald’s and Pizza Hut would be nothing without us. NOTHING!
However, this one food roundup missed the memo big time. Not only do I inherently doubt the writer ever sampled some of the greatest food to ever grace his palette, but I don’t think he even bothered performing a basic Google search. So, that leads me to believe I finally found a journalist that’s even more dead on the inside than I am.
Tough to believe, I know. But as the law of nature goes, nothing is absolute.
Except for national news to take a colossal dump on Connecticut. Apparently, that is still the stuff of clickbait legend.
So, here’s the sitch: Deadspin ranked the nation’s regional food in a profanity-laced roundup that would make even a trucker blush.
Anyways, Deadspin named and ranked each state’s signature dish. Did they rank our pizza because we so obviously invented it? Nope. How about our lobster rolls since we, again, invented them? Nuh-uh. Clam chowder? No dice. Okay, so what about our signature Deep River Snacks that has us demolishing bag after bag? Yeah, that didn’t happen either.
So, already the point of Connecticut’s culinary excellence clearly shot over this exhausted journalist’s inflated head. Maybe because it was laying face down on the keyboard because freelancing is a giant B or that he was running low on inspiration. The world will never know. So, keeping true to maintaining his jaded facade, the writer affiliated Connecticut with our other (fantastic) invention: the hamburger.
Wait, you think, that’s not so bad. Our hamburgers are actually quite delicious. So, obviously, it’ll start raining praises eventually. Right?
No praise for us, I’m afraid. Maybe that’s why no one bothered to mention this article when it was posted 3 years ago. And no one bothered to update it since.
Either way, still worth talking about because there are so many egregious statements made in one tiny sarcastic article that even fails at being humorous. Strike one.
So, Connecticut was obviously ranked dead last because our steamed hamburgers are something to bah-humbug about. Or something. Because the writer sneered at the concept of making a burger anyway else but never bothered taking a quick nip from the bun.
The steamed burger ranked worse than Utah’s Green Jello with carrots and Nevada’s lack of a food culture. Here’s what our dear friend on Deadspin had to say about our historic staple.
“No foodstuff could more quintessentially embody Connecticut’s rigorous commitment to blandness than a mushy wad of pulverized cow cooked in water vapor.”
Gotta give the writer some points for ingenuity. It’s not easy making a hamburger sound completely unappetizing. That, or, the writer asked one of his vegan friends for creative assistance. My money’s on the latter. Strike two.
At least our hamburgers ranked better than getting hit by a car? Because that makes sense?
Actually, it makes more sense than Chicago’s deep dish pizza somehow being superior to Maryland’s crab cakes. Or Georgia’s peach cobbler. Or Texas’ BBQ brisket. I mean, for shame.
Chicago is #1? It’s better than New York styled pizza? Okay, this list proves that the author didn’t even bother toking up before writing an article dedicated to the munchies. So, strike three.
Look, I am first to admit that there are some items on this list that definitely blows Connecticut out of the water. For example: Louisiana gumbo. Boom.
But Connecticut being dead last because of a food the author never even bothered sampling is… kinda lazy.
Steamed cheeseburgers are awesome! They’re juicy, full of flavor, and smothered in goopy cheese.
Yes, before you say anything, it is indeed a slow news day in Connecticut. Even our hero, Connecticut Man, seems to be taking a siesta. Regardless, something of merit was brought to the CT BOOM round table this afternoon.
So hey, if you’re hellbent on wasting time this afternoon, concoct your own roundup of the nation’s signature dishes and get back to me. I’m sure you’ll fare better than the man that was actually paid to write one.