As a young man currently exploring the endless realms of facial hair this is a question I have pondered on occasion. Finally I have found a source for answers. Estately.com recently posted their thoughts on which mustache each state would be. While I agree with many selections on the United States Upper Lipholstery Map I have a few suggestions.
Of course when looking at this map my eyes immediately went to Connecticut. However, I was dismayed when I saw John Hodgman’s snot mop in our Nutmeg State. To say I had higher hopes for Connecticut would be an understatement. In order to fix this farce I nominate Kevin Ollie’s ‘pencil stache.’ When this mustache comes to mind I think of the words of NSYNC, “God must have spent a little more time on you.” This elegant and refined stache also represents the state’s complete domination of college basketball. Who better to represent basketball-proud Connecticut than one of the hottest commodities on the basketball coaching market?
We stay in the northeast for my next suggestion with the selection of James Franco in New York. I’ll give credit to Franco for a nice stache but I don’t see the New York connection. My choice for the Big Apple: Eddie Murphy. This Brooklyn native’s larger-than-life comedy and the bright lights of New York are a match made in mustache heaven.
One of the most egregious snubs on this map is Clark Gable (but frankly, he doesn’t give a damn). My remedy for this snub: place Clark Gable in Ohio to replace Cleveland Brown of The Cleveland Show. Why Ohio? Well, it’s the birthplace of the King of Hollywood and I’m willing to find any connection to get Mr. Gable on this map.
Some of my personal favorites: Chuck Norris for Oklahoma (I’d fear for my life if I didn’t include this in my favorites), Ron Jeremy for Nevada (sucks to suck Nevada), Ron Burgundy for California, Mike Ditka for Illinois, and Michael Cera’s pathetic attempt at face lace for Rhode Island (still not a big boy state Rhode Island).
Check out the full list HERE.
Photo via Estately.com