Think about what you do at 1 a.m. on any given Sunday night.
Maybe you’re a night owl binge-watching a new TV show. Maybe you’re tucked in bed, fast asleep, and unconsciously dreading the start of the next work week. But almost certainly, you are not seated at the kitchen table in another person’s house drunkenly guzzling yogurts and half & half.
We say “almost certainly” because there is some small chance that your name is Terrance Nelson, you are 57 years old, and you are facing a few charges after scaring the bejeezus out of a homeowner in Middletown earlier this morning. If that is you, we have a lot of questions.
First of all, why yogurt and half & half? Neither seem particularly well-suited toward soaking up the booze in your system and neither are really all that delicious, especially when compared to your more typical drunk foods like pizza or grilled cheese.
Why stay at the kitchen table? No one is going to make a huge fuss over a few missing yogurts and a quart of half & half. Just take the stuff, relocate to a less criminal environment, and consume your bizarre and unfortunate food choices without the threat of imminent arrest.
And, of course, why that house? Yogurt and half & half is a very particular craving, and yet, from the outside you would have no idea whether any given house would have those items. So what made you look at this house and say to yourself, “Yes, this is the house. This is the house that will have all of the food stuffs my heart desires.”
Sadly, we’re pretty sure we will never get the answers to any of these questions. But if there’s one lesson to learn here, it’s this: Lock your doors, because when someone is drunkenly in search of food at one in the morning, no home is safe.