NEW RULES FOR PUBLIC SEXTING
Yesterday I was on the commuter train and I noticed that a woman sitting in the row in front of me was texting using a GIANT font. So giant that I could read every word she was typing from a few feet away. So, obviously, I did. Because duh.
I was rewarded with witnessing the most awkward sexting ever.
“Will u make a video 4 me?”
“I did. Dint you get it?”
“K hang on. Resendng.”
[She closes the chat window and opens her photos, where she scrolls through pictures of her baby in order to find a nakey video. She sends said nakey video. She opens her IHeartRadio app and selects a Kelly Clarkson song. She reopens her text chat.]
“Cool. Will u put ice in your mouth and give me a bj?”
I GUESS. She sexted ‘I guess.’ I am dying. I am dying forever.
What’s the lesson here?
Rule 1: Don’t sext on public transit. If you must, use a discreet font, or the nosy asshole sitting behind you will read it and probably post it on the Internet.
Rule 2: Enthusiasm. Sexting is for enthusiasm. Sexting is for saying all of the filthy things to your partner or to a hookup or maybe even a coworker or stranger that you would never dare to say to them face to face. Maybe you’re actually going to do these things at a later date. Maybe it’s all just fantasy, without intention. But unless your fantasy alternate sexual ego is a nonchalant asexual who gives approximately zero fucks about what happens in the bedroom, never, ever reply ‘I guess.’
Rule 3: Organization. If you’re going to keep a nakey video on your phone, maybe store it in a different folder than where you keep all of the pictures of your children. Because how terrible would that be if you’re the dude sitting at home with your junk in your hand, getting all kinds of excited for a nakey sexy video, and your sexting partner accidentally sends you a picture of the first day of school or whatever? I’ll tell you the answer: It would be the MOST terrible.
What am I missing? I feel like there are so many more but I think about it and then I get distracted because I am STILL laughing about ‘I guess.’
photo: (c) iStock/Thinkstock