Nothing Ruins a Day Like a Muffin Gone Wrong
I’ve never been a big “breakfast guy”. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love most of the delicious breakfast foods like eggs, bacon, home fries, and French toast. It’s just that eating all of that stuff on a day that’s not a hungover Saturday or Sunday morning leaves me feeling weighed down, gross, and so, so sleepy.
Instead, my daily breakfast routine throughout the workweek consists mostly of a giant coffee and a Clif Bar. It’s not very exciting obviously, but, it tides me over until after my late afternoon workout when I end up gorging like someone who’s been in a Siberian prison for the past decade.
That said, on occasion, I like to treat myself to a nice, plump, blueberry muffin.
I LOVE blueberry muffins. If it wasn’t socially unacceptable to stuff your face with carbs, and if my horrible genetics didn’t make me gain weight just by looking at food, I’d eat blueberry muffins EVERY GODDAMN DAY. I’d also lather them with butter too, because butter is the shit.
Anyway, it had been about a month since I had had my token, delicious blueberry muffin, and today I felt like I was overdue and it was time to get one over at Whole Foods to pair with my giant coffee.
The thing is though, is that the last time I decided to do this very thing, at this very Whole Foods, I bit into my blueberry muffin and it turned out to be chocolate chip. To say that this kind of fuckery made me want to murder the world would be a colossal understatement. See, as much love as I hold for blueberry muffins, I have the equal amount of contempt (if not more) for chocolate chip ones. HATE THEM. In fact, anything chocolate chip that’s not involved in something like ice cream or cannoli or cookies, I find offensive. Muffins, pancakes, waffles, get that shit off of my plate. That’s not breakfast, that’s dessert.
So, despite this horrible infraction, I decided to give this particular Whole Foods another shot, simply because Whole Foods’ muffins are normally pretty special. Just a perfect blend of the right amount of blueberries, a wonderfully textured, almost crisp muffin top and a soft, buttery inside.
Well this morning, after I grabbed my coffee, I sauntered over to the Whole Foods in question, hit up the bakery section, and was greeted by a dozen of freshly baked blueberry muffins.
They smelled amazing.
But they also looked odd.
See, when you’re selling something called a BLUEBERRY MUFFIN, it should normally have, y’know, BLUEBERRIES sticking out of the muffin top. It doesn’t need to be excessive, but there should be at least a few to let one know that you are indeed about to purchase an actual blueberry muffin, and not something boring and terrible like a corn muffin. Which is exactly what this bakers dozen looked like. Corn muffins.
It was at this point that the “little, fat Jimmy” popped up on my shoulder and was all “Don’t buy one of these, dummy. You know you’re just going to end up angry and disappointed.”
Ignoring my inner fat kid conscious, I grabbed the one muffin that looked the most buttery and delicious, bagged it, and went on my merry way. I went to my car, took the cap off of my coffee, took a swig, and then took my first bite into my blueberry muffin.
To which I was welcomed with absolutely no blueberries. None. Literally zero blueberries.
Now livid, I decided to rip apart this muffin to see just how many blueberries were placed in this muffin. The answer turned out to be three.
THREE. FUCKING. BLUEBERRIES.
Here is your proof…
Upon this discovery, I angrily threw the whole damn thing out my window, so that the pigeons could get a treat, and so that I could let off a string of expletives in my car sans the culprit that caused me to do just that.
It goes without saying that this little incident ruined my day. That might sound drastic, but it’s the little things like a tasty muffin to start my morning every once in a while that keep me going, and prevent me from flying of the handle. Is it really so much to ask to put like a damn handful of the appropriate fruit in the muffin that bears said fruit’s name? I mean, I’m sure that that baker isn’t making dick for money, but for Chrissakes, man. Have a LITTLE bit of pride in your work.
And if that doesn’t solve this muffin crisis at this particular Whole Foods?
I know just the man to take care of this issue.
photo credit: (c) Image Source/Thinkstock