I’ve always been one of those people that don’t judge what another person chooses to do in the bedroom. Whatever turns you on is cool with me, not my business. That said, I have two exceptions to this rule- You can’t involve a child and you can’t involve an animal. That seems like a reasonable expectation, right? Well, I found Connecticut’s weirdest dudes. Not only were they sexually assaulting COWS, one could also could be working in your kid’s school district.
Meet Michael Jones, 35, of Illion, NY and Reid Fontaine, 31, of Connecticut. Although Fontaine’s LinkedIn account was taken down, I was still able to see that it listed him as located in Glastonbury and his title “Technical Support Specialist at Farmington Public Schools”. He had worked there for about six months. What could these guys be doing with cows? Allegedly Jones agreed to film Fontaine having sex with the farm animals.
It all started when the owner of a farm in Herkimer, NY noticed that his cows seemed anxious and weren’t producing as much milk as usual. (As a side note, way to be a good farmer and notice that your cows are anxious- I just assumed cows just always had that same blank look) He set up surveillance to see what was happening at night that might be hindering the production. That’s when he allegedly caught on tape Fontaine sexually touching the cows while Jones agreed to video it.
How about Jones for being the grossest, weirdest wingman ever?! It’s one thing when your drunk friend says to you “What if we videoed me screwing around with cows”- It’s another to agree to it, then do it repeatedly. I’m trying to comprehend that some people just have really weird sexual tendencies that involve farm animals but what I can’t begin to understand is why you would have someone video you do this- Is there a demand on the black market for random 30-year-old white IT guys from CT doing cows? Did Fontaine just go home and get his rocks off to his home video? What was Jones thinking about while he watched his friend get it on with a huge docile animal?
I just don’t get it. Imagine what it must have smelled like in there after all that nervous cow poop. I wonder if he found that hot too.
Here’s the good news- Fontaine’s job, from which he resigned on Sunday, had no direct contact with children- Not that being into bestiality makes you a child molester… but I understand the concern those parents must feel. No one wants to hear that the creepy dude that works at their kid’s school screws cows.
I just imagine the Laughing Cow on that cheese so sad… So, so sad.