As you may or may not know, every time I see an article about a Connecticut lottery winner, I have to navigate the very delicate balance between “Hey, that’s exciting! Good for them!” and “Hey, what the hell!? I’m a good person. Why don’t I ever win the lottery?”
I like to think it’s a very mature and healthy means of processing that everyone else in the world also goes through, even though that’s probably not true.
And when I heard that 95-year-old North Canaan, Connecticut resident Ursula McCafferty won $30,000 from a scratch off ticket, I went through the same struggle as always. Except that this time, after reading a little bit more about her, I am decidedly in the “What the hell? Where’s my lottery winnings camp?”
Why? Well, it’s mostly because I’m occasionally a bitter person who wants nothing more than to be handed a big stack of money I did nothing to earn, but it is partly because, according to the CT Post, McCafferty said she wants to use her winnings to purchase a “decent phone.” Pressed further, she told the Post that means a “something where you can actually see pictures.”
Now, I don’t know Ursula and I promise I have nothing personal against her, but she should not spend her money on a smartphone. In my experience observing [and helping] old people with their smart phones, I feel safe betting that if she buys herself a “decent phone” that she can use to “actually see pictures,” she is going to spend hours being confused and even more hours calling her grandchildren to ask them to fix it.
It’s entirely possible that she is actually a very tech-savvy almost-100-year-old, but I know that some part of all of you cringed when you just read the phrase “tech-savvy almost-100-year-old,” so I know this isn’t just me being petty and bitter about not winning the lottery.
Ursula’s family, if you’re out there, good luck. Your mother/grandmother may have won the lottery, but she also just got you all jobs on her personal Geek Squad.