Any pervert worth his Jergens knows that right around the middle of January, the Adult Entertainment Industry convenes in Las Vegas for their annual AVN Awards Show, otherwise known as “The Porn Oscars”.
This year’s AVN’s kick off tomorrow and run through the weekend, and just in time for the big event, CNBC (of all the websites, really?) has decided to list their “Dirty Dozen- Porn’s Most Popular Stars”. As you will see, this list is both fairly shitty and completely inaccurate, so I’ll critique it below, followed by my very own “Dirty Dozen” that I search filthy websites for on a regular basis so that I may get the poison out.
CNBC’S “Dirty Dozen”
1) Asa Akira
New York’s own 5’1 Japanese fireplug has certainly made a more mainstream name for herself in the past year, what with being an Instagram star, and being genuinely entertaining (and funny!) when sitting in on the DVDASA podcast (run by artist David Cho, it’s awesome and perverted, and very free form; I can’t recommend it enough) so I’m not all that surprised that she’s #1 with a bullet on this list. She’s beautiful, filthy, and in phenomenal shape, but she’s just not my overall #1. Top 5? Damn straight. But not #1.
2) Anikka Albrite
A relative newbie to the Adult industry (she’s only been making skin flicks for 3 years) I personally can’t see how she’s worked enough to be this high up the list, but that’s just me. I dunno, beach bottled blondes aren’t really my thing. Too much of an L.A. 90’s porn stereotype.
3) Lisa Ann
Played a porn version of Sarah Palin in 2008. Big fake boobs. Looks a million years old. Get lost, lady.
4) Dani Daniels
Top 12, no questions asked. Seems fun, couldn’t possibly be hotter as far as my tastes are concerned, and is a genuinely fun (and often filthy) follow on Vine.
5) Skin Diamond
Big, BIG fan of this girl. It probably helps that I dig the “alterna-look” and her shaved head on one side thing she’s got going on. If you follow her on Instagram, you’ll also quickly learn that she has adorable cats and LOVES smoking weed. Both good things, but doesn’t crack my Top 12.
6) Jessica Drake
Wouldn’t even crack my top 25. She’s been around since like, the 90’s, and was always a poor man’s Jenna Jameson. Absolutely no reason for her to crack this Top 12 list, CNBC. None.
7) Jesse Jane
Oh, HEEEELLLLLLLLLL NO. Even in her prime, she looked like some kind of plastic surgery nightmare, and now? Now she looks like a castoff from a “Real Housewives of Ventura” or something.
8) Remy LaCroix
Not even two years ago, retired from the game, only to be (thankfully) lured back to the easy money and fast lifestyle that only porn can bring. A second team All-Star who can play for me any day, but not on the first string.
9) Maddy O’Reilly
Until today, I’ve been relatively unfamiliar with her work. Based on this one photo alone, that will be changing immediately.
10) Chanel Preston
I mean, if a gal that looks awful without makeup and has a bad boob job along with a wonky eye is your thing, then sure, Chanel Preston is the pornstar for you.
11) Riley Reid
Vine’s best follow. Seems genuinely perverted and fun. I also think she’s pretty much aesthetically perfect. Rated way, WAY too low.
12) Bonnie Rotten
Generally speaking, I like women with tattoos. That said, there’s also such a thing as “too many tattoos”. So much so, that it makes a woman look like a circus sideshow clown.
This would be one of those cases. Yuck.
And now, for the REAL “Dirty Dozen”
1) Tori Black
If there’s such a thing as “too pretty for porn” it’s Tori Black. It’s just stupid how attractive this girl is, and she’s equally as dirty on camera. I saw Pedro Martinez pitch in his prime, and quite honestly? It was an honor. Fapping to Tori Black? I kinda feel the same way. Just less sticky.
Guh. Same thing here with Stoya. Like, just impossibly attractive. And fit. She does have a penchant for doing gross shit like growing out her armpit hair (NO!) and really does some weird fetish stuff that I could do without, but other than that she’s pretty much perfect.
3) Lexi Belle
Just seems like the coolest stoner chick ever. On her Instagram feed, she recently posted a photo of a blunt, along with the movie she was watching. It was the disgusting/hilarious documentary “G.G. Allin- Hated” I’ve often said, that if you can watch that movie and see the comedy in it, we’d be great friends, so needless to say I think Lexi Belle (or whatever her real name is) and I would get along swimmingly.
4) Jenna Haze
The G.O.A.T. The Hitman Heart of Porn. Simply the best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be. Thing is, she’s out of the game (age is a bastard like that) and no longer performing, so for that she drops down to the #4 spot.
5) Asa Akira
Told you she made my top 5.
6) Riley Reid
Just like a horny, hipster princess. *sigh*
7) Jessie Andrews
American Apparel model turned pornstar turned jewelry maker (random) turned DJ (?!) who’s now getting booked for gigs all over the globe. I think she’s drop dead gorgeous, and she’s a skinny waif (meaning just my type) but she’s not higher up the list only because she’s easing her way out of the industry.
8) Andy San Dimas
Oh be still, my hipster loving tattooed heart!
9) Dillion Harper
Way new to the game, and she’s probably not known by many, but I’m a big fan of her enthusiastic work. Also, it probably helps that she bares a striking resemblance to one of my ex-girlfriends.
10) Faye Reagan
Another former American Apparel model turned pornstar. Might be too freckled and redheaded for some, but not me.
11) Dani Daniels
Again, CNBC at least got it right with her on their list. She’s not unattractive.
12) Christy Mack
A bit thick for my personal tastes, and I can do without the big fake cans, but, she’s got a beautiful face, and looks like a 40’s pin-up girl, which I’m a big fan of.
Agree with CNBC’S list? How’bout mine? Leave comments below about who got omitted, and didn’t get enough love on these lists, ya pervs.