Would YOU Ride This Waterslide? Because I Wouldn’t…
There’s two distinct kinds of people in this world, and that’s that there’s “rides people” and “hates rides people.” I’m firmly entrenched in the latter, thankyouverymuch.
I was never really like this when I was in my teens & 20′s, as road trips to Six Flags in New Jersey with my dumb buddies were one my favorite things we did. Not just for the camaraderie, but also for the cheap thrills of their nutty roller coasters and rides.
Then came the time that I let my then girlfriend drag me to Canobie Lake Park in Salem, NH, when I was nursing the world’s worst hangover, and dealing with little to no sleep.
I sucked it up and went on as many rides as I could, not for the fun of it or to be a good boyfriend, but rather just to do everything in my power to keep her from bitching.
And then we went on “The Caterpillar.” If you’ve never been on “The Caterpillar”, it’s a kiddie ride. Literally. It’s not fast. It’s not frightening. It just goes around in circles, and is really bumpy.
And it ended up screwing up my equilibrium so much, that I thought I had vertigo for like, three days. Oh, and as soon as I stepped off of it, I fell over and vomited like I’ve never vomited before or since.
That was August of 2002.
I’ve not been on any form of a ride since, and that’s sure as shit not going to change, now that I’m older, grumpier, despise waiting in lines (which is pretty much 85% of the Amusement Park experience) and live in near crippling fear that I’ll go through “The Caterpillar experience” again.
If that makes me a pussy, then so be it. I’m a huge pussy.
I’m letting you, the the reader, know all of this in advance of me informing you of the “Verruckt Meg-A-Blaster.” What’s a “Verruckt Meg-A-Blaster” you say?
Well, it’s only “the world’s tallest, fastest and most extreme waterslide” and it’ll reportedly “tower” over the current tallest waterside- Brazil’s 134.5 foot tall “Insano.”
Here’s the view from the top.
So, now that you know my back story about rides, you’ll understand why my reaction to this photo- aloud, mind you- was…
You’d never get me to go on that thing. Not even for like, $4,000. I’m not kidding.
But for you lunatic thrill seekers who love this kind nonsense, here’s the gist: It’s called Verruckt because that’s German for “insane” (which makes sense, obviously.) It’s currently being erected at the Schlitterbahn Kansas City Waterpark, which doesn’t sound so much “Kansas City” as it does “Dachau”, and it’s expected to be fully operational when the park opens up in late Spring of 2014.
And if that’s not all enough for you, this slide of doom is actually a 4-person raft slide with an extra hump thrown in for good measure. Oh, and you can also get up to near 70 miles per hour.
Again, FUCK this thing, and this photo that makes my balls and stomach drop like I’m about to go over the edge of it.