Well here we are folks. After a horrid weekend without any football (sorry, the Pro Bowl doesn’t count, and if you spent more than 3 minutes watching it, you’re an asshole) we’ve come to the end of the road of yet another NFL season.
Super Bowl 48. Seahawks vs. Broncos.
From a personal standpoint, I don’t know who the hell I’m supposed to root for here. In fact, this is the most conflicted I’ve been about a Super Bowl in five years. In other words, I don’t want to see EITHER team win, and I fully expect to be disappointed no matter what the outcome is.
In that Super Bowl from five years ago, it was the Pittsburgh Steelers (who are without a doubt one of my most top 3 hated teams and fan-bases in all of sports, so I obviously wasn’t pulling for them) and the Arizona Cardinals (who, I couldn’t see win a Super Bowl. Just no. Not in my lifetime. They’ll always be an expansion team to me.) By the end of that game (which turned out to be kind of awesome btw) I was openly (yet still reluctantly) pulling for the Cardinals, simply because of their ridiculous comeback, and I kinda like Kurt Warner. Plus as always, fuck Ben Roethlisberger.
Well, that rapist asshole ends up making that throw to the corner of the end zone, Santonio Holmes makes a catch for the ages, and I throw my remote clear across my living room out of frustration and anger.
I hated that I cared by the end of that game, but I did.
In fact, I think it’s important TO care about who wins the Super Bowl, even if the team you normally pull for isn’t in it. Otherwise, you’re just another stiff (or woman) standing around pounding food, adding nothing to the football vibe, and waiting to see the stupid commercials. I hate those people on Super Bowl Sunday.
Anyway, since that particular Super Bowl, my rooting interests have been rather easy, as you’ll see:
2009: Geaux Saints!– Because fuck Peyton Manning. And thanks to ol’ pee-pants Peyton and his tendency to shit the bed in the playoffs (until this year, obviously) we were rewarded with the Tracy Porter “pick 6″ otherwise known as the hardest I’ve ever cheered for a team I ultimately couldn’t give two shits about in my lifetime. Seriously though, I could watch this clip all day, every day because again, FUCK Peyton Manning.
2010: Go Pack Go! – Because again, fuck anything and everything Pittsburgh Steelers.
2011: Go Pats! Avenge that loss to Eli and the Gi…. eh, let’s just forget about it. In fact, if it makes you feel better, asshole Giants fans, I barely paid attention to this game because it was a forgone conclusion. That Giants team OWNED the Patriots ass. Good lord I hate the Mannings.
2012: Go Niners! Because fuck the Ravens always, and especially for them steamrolling the Patriots in the AFC Championship game. Obviously, the outcome wasn’t what I was looking for.
And that’s what leads us to this year’s game, and my dilemma, and why I feel like this might just be the worst Super Bowl in quite some time.
See, wether this is the first NFL related column of mine you’ve read or not, it should be quite obvious that I DETEST Peyton Manning. This irrational sports hate for a guy who’s clearly one of the classiest guys in the league (I mean, he writes HAND WRITTEN LETTERS TO RETIRED PLAYERS!) and an absolute maestro at his position is one of most misguided things I’ve ever held on to in my life, simply because it comes from a place of pure insecurity. In other words, I just don’t want this big headed goober getting any closer in the “rings” column to my precious binky, Tom Brady. That’s because to me, more rings = better quarterback, ALWAYS. Even though Tom Brady has basically sucked hog in the playoffs for like, the last 8 years, but that’s irrelevant. The bottom line is, FUCK Peyton Manning. I’ll always root against him, and I’ll always root for him to piss his pants in the playoffs, which used to be a staple of his game but now has vanished this month because of course it has.
So yeah, me rooting for the Denver Broncos? Get lost, it’s NOT happening.
Well, then that MUST mean that I’ll be rooting for the Seahawks instead, right? Eh. Not exactly.
The Seattle Seahawks have (until recently) been a relatively harmless franchise that’s made headlines for the occasional noteworthy star (Cortez Kennedy! Shaun Alexander! Steve Largent!) and that one run to the Super Bowl in 2005, which subsequently ended up being the shittiest played Super Bowl in history. Other than that, how could anyone outside of fans of the other teams in the old AFC West (because remember, they used to be in the AFC) or Niners fans actually HATE the Seahawks? That’s easy.
Because of this assclown.
Seahawks head coach, Pete Carroll.
That’s him wearing the Patriots colors, from back when he was the head coach of the team from 1997-thru-1999. No man ever did so little, with oh so much. His “rah-rah” ways (still evident to this day in Seattle) were as unintentionally hilarious as they were douche-chill inducing. I despised his tenure, and I vowed I could never, EVER root for any team coached by this guy again. By the end of that ’99 season, the Patriots fan in me wanted to eat a gun.
Thankfully, Bob Kraft fired his goofy ass, he went on to turn USC into a corrupt powerhouse (but whatever. EVERY college program is as shady as the next) ended back in the NFL with the Seahawks, and became a 9/11 Truther. Listen, I don’t want to live in a world where that doofus gets to hoist the Lombardi Trophy. I can’t. I won’t!
If that’s not enough reason for me to not root for Seattle on Sunday night, there’s also that the most notable celebrity fan of the Seahawks is a close friend of Pete Carroll. Someone who I find equally, if not more detestable.
This contrived phony.
Goddamn Macklemore. Oh how I HATE Macklemore and his shitty brand of safe, consumer friendly, makes white mom’s of America feel safe -rap/hip hop. If you like his music, think that he’s got “street credibility”, and isn’t just a groveling douche for INSTAGRAMMING THIS PHOTO, then I hope you get hit by a bus. Seriously, FUCK Macklemore. I hope the Geto Boys shoot his corny ass.
Oh, wait. That’s right. There’s one more reason I just can’t root for the Seahawks.
Now you might be thinking, “Wait. What in the hell does Fred Schneider from the B-52’s have to do with the Seattle Seahawks? Aren’t they from Georgia?!” And well, you’d be right.
See, the thing is, the single worst human being I’ve ever had the misfortune for having to call “boss” looks EXACTLY like Fred Schneider. The man was the living embodiment of the word “troll”, an aging hipster who thought living in Seattle for like, a year made him “from Seattle”, and he was simply just a soulless asshole who’s death I would cheer as if the Patriots won the Super Bowl for the very first time again.
Needless to say, he’s also a Seahawks fan. And because I’m petty, his pain would bring me joy.
So FUCK rooting for the Seattle Seahawks.
I do LOVE all things Richard Sherman.
Really, that whole Seattle secondary is pretty filthy, and Sherman isn’t even the best player in that backfield (Hi, Earl Thomas!) but for all the great he does on the field (disciplined, makes receivers earn every inch, plays mean) his mouth is what makes me love him. Plus, after his NFC Championship tirade, I can’t get enough. I mean, you do something that exposes the insecurities of our screwed up nation on social media like he did, you’ve got a fan for life.
Ideally then, I guess what I’m rooting for is a repeat performance of the Tracy Porter pick 6 against Peyton that seals the win for Seattle. The game ends, Richard Sherman loses his shit on National Television, offends scared white moms in Kansas, and because of that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell runs down from his throne and deems the game a “draw”.
Man, that’d be sweet.
Denver -2.5 Seattle
It’s stupid, big headed Peyton’s year, people. Any kind of ticky-tack call will go Denver’s way, Seattle will keep it close for the first half, and then Peyton and the pinball offense will end up blowing the doors off of this team. Actually, it’ll be more about Denver’s defense, because if you really ever look at how he plays, Russell Wilson is kind of a disaster at QB for the Seahawks. Just TERRIBLE in the pocket. Don’t believe me? Peep this shit.
Whatever. Fuck this game regardless.
Broncos 34 Seahawks 20