So, What’s The Best Strip Club In America?
Complex magazine released the definitive list of “The 50 Best Strip Clubs in America”.
In the event that you didn’t end up clicking on the link to go through said top 50, I can assure you that much of it is shit.
When it comes to strip clubs, all any guy should ever be looking for are two things.
1) Are the girls in their early 20′s, acting like they’re enjoying themselves and turbo hot?
2) Is this the kind of place that the girls give you an aggressive lap-dance?
That’s it. Who cares about “the overall experience” and whether or not they’re serving decent food or even if it’s totally nude? All that matters is that you and your dumb buddies are assured a good time that ends with you leaving sticky, drunk, and possibly feeling some semblance of shame. Anything else is just filler.
That’s why much of this Complex list is junk, ESPECIALLY when it comes to some of the New England and Tri-State Area clubs that made Complex’s top 50.
Coming in at #49 is “The Golden Banana” in Peabody, Massachusetts. If you’ve never been to “The Banana”, let me give you a quick synopsis. It’s a shithole, and I’ve seen maybe one or two legitimately beautiful women working there in my life. Look, I know it’s different strokes for different folks, but, when you pay a cover charge to walk into one of these places, you should know that you’re going to be inundated with women that look like they’re completely unattainable. Maybe by thinking that, I live in some kind of fantasy world, but then again, I’ve been to strip clubs in Montreal and Las Vegas, so, I know that it’s possible. The Banana sucks. As does every single strip club in Massachusetts. Totally nude? Big whoop. You can’t get aggressive lap dances in any of them, so why would you waste your money?
At #44 on the list, is “Rick’s Cabaret” in NYC. I’ve been to Rick’s once. Lot’s of impressive looking women working there, who were likely kidnapped from the former Soviet Union or Poland, and sent here in a shipping crate like “The Wire”. The only problem is, is that you’ve got to be some jerkoff banker billionaire that works on Wall St. to even have a remotely good time here (and by the way, if that’s you, die.) It’s just WAYYYYYY too expensive for a normal mook like myself. Also, as noted in the Complex article, they’re way too fired up about the quality of the food here. Really? Who gives a shit?
At #39 we’ve got Stamford’s own “Beamers”. Granted, I’ve only been to Beamers once, and it’s a nice place, but the thing with strip clubs and me is this; besides the two prerequisites I mentioned earlier, I need to be on vacation to go to one of these places. Beamers is like, just sitting there in the ‘burbs, just begging dads and unhappy Connecticut husbands to come n’ fill the place up. I dunno, it’s nice, and the girls that were working there when I dropped in were certainly attractive, but I feel like I couldn’t ever look at this place as a go-to destination.
#33 on Complex’s list gives us the “Foxy Lady” in Providence, R.I. Hot girls? Yup. Aggressive lap-dances? Depends on the girl. Police just waiting to arrest your drunk ass on the highway once you leave this place? ALWAYS. Again, much like Beamers, this is a little too “not vacationy” to me. It’s good, not great, and certainly doesn’t compare to the best clubs in Vegas or Canada. I feel like it’s a bit overhyped, and really only got famous because of the Mo Vaughn incident like 20 years ago. Oh, and if you give a shit about the “Legs n’ Eggs”, you’re gross.
Providence, R.I. is repped again at #26 with “The Cadillac Lounge”. I’ll be honest here, it’s been a good decade since I’ve stepped into this shithole, but what I can remember is flat out frightening. All of the women were gross and looked like they were working solely to support their Oxycontin habit, and perhaps worst of all, it was BRING YOUR OWN BEER. I remember frat bro’s wheeling in half kegs (literally) and bringing in Bud Party Balls, paying a fee for glasses or mugs or whatever, and then proceeding to get frighteningly hammered. It was like something out of a Mad Max movie. Just a horrible, horrible club.
#25 is another NYC staple, “Flash Dancers”. I’ve never been, but, based on their signage, they not only are a gentleman’s club, they’re a “sushi & saki bar”. Look, if you eat sushi at a strip club, you deserve whatever disease you’re bound to end up with. Nude Eastern European gals and raw fish are two great tastes that do NOT go together.
#21 is Bloomfield New Jersey’s “Titillations”. Great name, but I’ve never been. It also looks like a goddamn early 1900′s insane asylum from the outside. I’d come here never.
#14? Gallagher’s 2000 in Long Island City, N.Y. Much like Titillations, I’ve never been, and it looks equally as frightening from the outside. Who knows? Maybe it’s great. If you’ve been and want to convince me, leave a comment below, my fellow pervy pal!
#8 is the Bronx’s “Sin City”. I was brought here once. I was the whitest guy in the room, both literally and figuratively. As I mentioned earlier, when it comes to what kind of gal you’d like to drop money on, it’s different strokes for different folks. The ladies here? Mostly not my speed. But, they certainly were aggressive, so that’s a win.
#7 Mt. Vernon NY’s “Sue’s Rendezvouz”. Complex’s description makes it sound kind of great, but, I’m under the impression that I’m not exactly the demographic that they’re trying to reach. And by that I mean old, and white.
And that’s it for any of the representatives from our neck of the woods. Who got left off the list that you felt like should have been represented?
Also, more than anything, the reason why I feel like Complex’s list is kind of shitty is because there’s WAY too many clubs from L.A. on it. L.A. strip clubs are THE WORST.The girls might be pretty, but they don’t let you do anything, and each and everyone of them costs like a billion dollars to get into, and to get even a semblance of a buzz. Complex also listed “Jumbo’s Clown Room”, which is kind of a party and hilarious, but only in an “ironic hipster” kind of way. The women are like 40 years old, haggard, they feed the jukebox for the songs they dance to, and the place just has an air of sadness to it. It’s like something out of a horror film.
No, you want a decent strip club, you go to The Spearmint Rhino in Vegas, The Penthouse Club in New Orleans, The O’Farrell Theater in San Francisco, Club Supersexe in Montreal, or just about any place in Tampa. They’re all filled with outstandingly beautiful women for each kind of taste, and they’re not afraid to earn their money to make you end up puking in your pants.
And ultimately, that’s all any of us should ever be looking for.
photo credit: (c) iStockphoto/Thinkstock