At this point many of you have already heard the story about the Stamford West Hill High School substitute teacher who was caught fondling himself while looking at teenagers (allegedly).  Michael Luecke is a 73-year-old man who (used to) substitute music classes in Stamford and Greenwich.  Another teacher approached him when she thought he was having some kind of medical emergency- Turns out he just had his hands in pants where he was (cough, cough, allegedly) fondling his erect penis.  His eyes “were rolled into the back of his head” (in pleasure?!).  He told the person that located him that this had never happened to him before and that he should find somewhere else to do it… (Right.  No kidding.)  When police reviewed video, it showed that he was touching the front part of his pants in the corner of a stairwell while watching students in the court yard.  Then he went behind a set of lockers, emerged and laid on the ground.  That’s when the good samaritan approached him- while he was sprawled on the ground.

Under normal circumstances I would have jumped at the opportunity to write a blog about what a disgusting human being this person is- BUT being a Stamford townie, I got “inside info” (aka- Overheard all the rumors) that this man had early stages of dementia and that was what was triggering the lewd act.  Not that I know a whole lot about early dementia, but I figured it would be the nice thing to do to not make fun of the old dude.  Clearly any guy that calls himself an educator wouldn’t whack off in a stairwell in a public place filled with children.  Right?  That’s what I thought at least.  (This is where my good friend would point out that I typically “stick my head in the sand”.)

WELL- Imagine my surprise this morning when I saw the headlines that read that he is claiming that he had a wardrobe malfunction.  Yes, that’s right- Because he didn’t wear a belt or suspenders, he had to lay down on the ground to clip his pants…


What the hell does that even mean?  What clips on your pants?  What kind of “pant clip” requires you to lay down and touch yourself inappropriately?! I would have had a lot more compassion if he just admitted that he didn’t know what came over him and asked for help.

Is that what we’ve come to?  Claiming that “wardrobe malfunctions” are the reason why we do things that are inappropriate?

I hit a parked car the other day and didn’t leave a note… because I was having a wardrobe malfunction.

I stared inappropriately at a married man and undressed him with my eyes… because I was having a wardrobe malfunction.

I peed on the seat in the work bathrooms and didn’t wipe it… because I was having a wardrobe malfunction.

I purposely didn’t pay my taxes for six years… because I was having a wardrobe malfunction.

What else can we blame on wardrobe malfunctions?





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