The non-Comic Book Intellectual Property Super Hero Team Up movie we’ve all been waiting for for premieres this weekend! The Fate of the Furious has been daring to leave us in their dust for months and they are here to make good on that promise.

Much like comic book movies, it’s best not to ask too many questions and just try to enjoy the movie. However, that didn’t stop me from re-watching all of the trailers to come up with as many questions as possible.

With the lowest hanging fruit plucked from the tree of life that is the F & F Franchise, I am ready to watch this rag tag group of millionaire, street racing, computer hackers do what they do best.

 

The In-Preparation to Enjoy The Fate of the Furious Q & A Session

Q: Where are they getting all of these cars from?

A: The most basic question you can ask when it comes to the Fast franchise. “Where are they getting all of these cars?” as a critique of a Fast movie is as basic a question as, “Whatever happened to just ordering coffee,” when critiquing the drink options at a coffee shop. If you’re asking this question, why are you going to see this movie? You’re endangering your own enjoyment by poking holes in the plot. Embrace change.

Q: Aren’t these characters millionaires?

A: I watched the majority of the Fast movies in one afternoon, so I forget exactly when they became millionaires, but I’m positive they are all millionaires many times over.

Q: How much money does each character have?

A: It’s a lot. I’m pretty sure Dom Toretto could buy Corona in cash if he wanted. I don’t mean a lifetime supply of Corona either. I think he could call InBev and purchase the brand from them.

Q: Why are they still working?

A: I’m not sure they look at their job as work. This is what The Family does instead of adult kickball or improv classes; this is how they blow off steam.

Q: Didn’t they pull the last job so that they could just have barbecues and drink Coronas?

A: Isn’t that why anyone does any job? One reason why this franchise is so universally loved is that drinking a Corona with family at a barbecue is a very real want that many people can understand. How they get there is movie magic.

Q: Has The Rock deputized The Family and is he using them as a Diplomatic Security Service task force? Is that why they’re out here pulling heists?

A: My guess is that Hobbs/The Rock has deputized The Family in some regard, but the ins and outs of government employment are not why we watch these movies or why the characters are pulling heists. Best not to think about the “why” and “how” of these films. The same rules apply to the Fast & Furious Universe and the Marvel Universe.

Q: Is the fight The Rock and Vin Diesel have going just a viral marketing campaign for the movie or an easter egg for why Dom has turned on The Family?

A: I believe both of these to be true. People were asked to choose a side, the world overwhelmingly chose The Rock over Vin Diesel, and as a result, Dom Toretto turned heel on The Family.

Q: Who is Charlize Theron to Dom?

A: Does it matter? Best Actress in a Leading Role Charlize Theron is playing with house money. She’s in there mixin’ it up proving that winning an Academy Award doesn’t mean your IMDB page gets confined to arthouse cinema. Ms. Theron is playing a character named Cipher and has turned Dom against Letty. She’s the Loki of the Fast & Furious Universe.

Q: What is going on with this super hacker outfit, Charlize?

A: Again — we’re using comic book movie logic here. Could Captain America do his job just as effectively if he only wore a leather jacket and jeans? Of course — and he would look just as cool. But Cap said it best in Winter Soldier, “If you’re going to fight in a war, you need to wear the uniform.” I’m not sure what came first, that outfit or that handle, but both paths lead to the same conclusion: Cipher. The outfit makes the woman and the woman happens to be the very definition of hi-tech terrorism, so her costume needs to convey that.

Q: Shouldn’t Jason Statham’s character be in solitary on the moon? Didn’t he murder a hospital in the last one?

A: At the end of Fast 7 Jason Statham’s Deckard Shaw was put into the same cell that Magneto was put into at the end of every X-Men movie. It didn’t hold Magneto, so obviously it’s not going to contain Jason Statham. And yes, he murdered a hospital in the last installment to say goodbye to his brother, who was crippled by Dom and The Family at the end of Fast 6.

Q: At what point do the Fast & Furious and Transformers franchises merge?

A: I think it’s coming. What do we have to lose at this point? It’s all escapism. Let’s dump out all the toys out of the toy chest and fold these universes into each other.

Q: In what movie did the Fast & Furious franchise leave the Earth dimension that we recognize as reality?

A: Fast & Furious, which was the fourth installment, was the last film to be tethered to reality in the sense that there was a plot, but we blasted out of Earth’s orbit at the end of Tokyo Drift, which was the previous film. The huge dramatic twist at the end of Tokyo Drift was the death of Han Seoul-Oh, but when Dom assembles The Family for yet another heist in Fast & Furious… HAN IS PART OF THE CREW!

There were three possibilities for this choice, one of which came true:

  • We are disavowing Tokyo Drift completely, while bringing Han into the main story
  • Han is back from the dead, and somehow a high school student in Tokyo has been handpicked by a street racer in his late 30’s to do some hardcore hacking and heisting in LA.
  • What actually happened: The Fast & Furious Cinematic Universe has perfected timeline manipulation by injecting a trilogy of movies into the middle of the franchise to act as prequels to Tokyo Drift.

This theory was solidified at the end of Fast 6 when the post-credit sequence again showed Han’s death scene and revealed that Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham) was the Kylo Ren of the Fast Universe.

In summation, I would say the Fast & Furious franchise left our reality for a better one in 2001.

Q: It seems like all the new characters FF have introduced are just the Greatest Hits version of the actor’s most beloved character. Is that fair to say?

A: The Fast Franchise takes place in the sideways universe from LOST, where all the characters are living out alternate versions of their life before they go to their final reward.

Here is my Added in a F&F Sequel Alternate Universe Starting Line-Up:

  • Jason Statham’s Deckard Shaw is a cooler Chev Chelios from Crank
  • Dwayne Johnson’s Hobbs is The Rock with Rogue’s powers from X-Men, meaning he has absorbed every character The Rock has ever played and kept all the dominate traits to make Hobbs unstoppable
  • Kurt Russell’s Mr. Nobody is Stuntman Mike from Death Proof because eventually, he is going to get back behind the wheel of an American muscle car
  • Helen Mirren is Victoria from Red, a late middle-aged assassin.
  • Nathalie Emmanuel’s Ramsey is Missandei from Game of Thrones after the Mother of Dragons sends her to the Citadel in Old Town where she majors in Hacking and does a semester abroad in the Fast Universe Los Angeles
  • Kristofer Hivju is just Tormund Giantsbane because that’s all any franchise would ever need.

Q: How is Conor McGregor not in this movie?

A: This is maybe the greatest casting misstep of the last 20 years. There is hope for Fast 9 and Fast 10. There is no way he doesn’t do at least a cameo.

Q: Where is this locker full of custom made cars and tanks and how is everyone not surprised it exists?

A: This is most likely at Mr. Nobody’s secret lair, which is hopefully either at Area 51 or on the Triskelion from The Avengers.

Q: HOW DID THEY GET TO ANTARCTICA?

A: All that matters is they are there, and somehow, someway, someone has surfaced a submarine through a glacier to chase down a Lamborghini driven by Tyrese and a Bat-mobile powered by Ludacris.

Q: Are Cipher and Dom like a thing now?

A: I doubt they’re like a real thing; Dom and Cipher are using each other for very specific purposes. I get the sense that Cipher kisses Dom in front of Letty just to let her know that she has all the power. It’s a control thing with Cipher, not a love thing. For someone who is so incredibly family oriented, Dom is allowing the kiss to happen to push Letty away. But what he doesn’t realize is that they are “faaaaaaaaaaaaaaamily,” and nothing can break that bond. Not even the very definition of hi-tech terrorism.

Q: How many times is “family” said in the trailer?

A: A surprisingly low three times. But the GRAVITY of each time it’s said? Oh man. Those three mentions carry the weight of all other mentions of the word “family” across the other seven films.

Q: I’m glad to see there is still some street racing in this movie

A: Street racing is always fun to see on the big screen, but street racing isn’t really the point of a Fast & Furious movie in the same way that light sabers aren’t the point of a Star Wars movie. Sure it’s cool, but it’s just a neat add-on.

Q: Where is this bunker that they are all in? Is this a G.I. Joe movie?

A: It’s better. It’s a Fast & Furious movie.

Q: What is the biggest twist you can imagine?

A: That Cipher is actually Brian O’Conner’s (R.I.P. Paul Walker) sister and she’s doing this to mess up Dom’s family because she blames him for the death of her brother. This presupposes that Brian O’Conner has somehow died in the Fast & Furious universe and is not just retired from pulling heists/being in the FBI sometimes.

Q: What are the chances that this was a covert mission set up by Mr. Nobody to get Dom to take out Cipher and that the end of the movie is The Family completely forgiving Dom over a bucket of Coronas?

A: 1,000,000,000% chance.

What do you think? Comment below