Want to be the most popular house on the street this Halloween? Then instead of handing out the typical fun size candy bar, or stupid Good & Plenty, try offering one of these favorite treats from my childhood:
1. Full Size Candy Bars: Don’t mess around on this most important holidays, hand out candy bars the way they’re supposed to be eaten. How all the kids will respond when they see you dropping that big ol Reese’s Cups in your bag:
2. Bag Of Chips: I had a guy at the end of my street who always gave out the little bags of chips. I thought they were a nice palate cleanser in between all the candy.
3. Bags Of Chewy Snacks: Jolly Ranchers, Sprees, Runts, Lifesavers suck ass for trick or treating…but make them the chewy versions and we’re good.
When you get the chewy version instead:
4. Goody Bags: Oh, you are a professional aren’t you?? Getting these little plastic bags felt like you won the lottery. Don’t skimp, they must contain at least 2 mini chocolate, 1 chewy, 1 suckable, 1 spider ring, 1 pair of fangs, and 1 miscellaneous throwback like Bazooka Joe, DOTS, Sugar Daddy, or Mary Janes (even though MJ’s blow, they’re an essential). Kids have to remember where we came from.
Pull out all the stops and the kids will not be worthy
5. “Pick One” Candy Stand: I love these people. They are waaay too busy getting drunk than to hang out by their door all night. Which is what I became. But they still know that trick or treating is serious business and have to leave the children something. I like to think that the “pick one” is a friendly suggestion open for interpretation.
People who leave the decision making up to the kids:
6. Homemade Goodies: If you have time and skill to make individually wrapped brownies, cookies, cupcakes, and rice krispie treats all with Halloween Character faces….do it. Stay away from popcorn balls and candy apples. No one will eat them, and they’ll make you seem like a creep. For extra points, hand out dixie cups of hot apple cider. Those kids need it with all the walking.
For all your over-achieving treat makers:
Whatever you do, if you’re somehow tempted to buy candy corn: