Did Yale Issue a Mass Squirrel Genocide?
About two years ago, squirrels were a big issue for Yalies. Such a big issue that it actually became news. Squirrels terrorizing students in Connecticut.
One student in particular seemed to have really pissed off the tribe of New Haven squirrels. The student told the Yale Daily News she woke up and “felt its claws on my forearm, and as I woke up, it jumped off my head and onto my roommate’s head.” Next, she came home to find her room ransacked. She came back to her dorm room and found M&Ms on the ground, toiletries scattered and books knocked over. Instead of an actual break-in, it was just a squirrel hiding out under her bed, slowly stealing things to build a nest. The school installed a screen in the window (geniuses) and the squirrel terrorizing stopped. Another student reported a squirrel ”nonchalantly walking through the bathroom.”
But this morning Gawker received an email claiming the school killed off all the squirrels over summer break.
I’d like to remain anonymous, but I also want to let you know about something going on at Yale. It appears that the administration paid to have all the squirrels on campus killed over the summer.
There are no squirrels left at Yale.
As students have begun to realize the genocide that has taken place, they are rising up, enraged and disgusted. Numerous student publications are racing to uncover the scandal, but so far there has been no official statement. Continued fury and uprising is expected.
According to the site “neither Yale’s Facilities staff nor New Haven’s Parks Department were able to confirm any mass squirrel murders.”
So what really happened to the squirrels of Yale? Were they savagely murdered this summer? Or are they hiding out in a dorm room plotting their takeover?